Tuesday is not my good news day.
Why is Tuesday, even? Let's examine.
Tuesday's only real value is to remind us that it is no longer Monday. It does not posess the inherent virtue of Wednesday, whose claim to fame is marking the midpoint of the week, allowing you an opportunity to placate yourself with a reassuring "its halfway over" or have your coworkers wish you a happy "humpday", which I am pretty sure is an HR violation, but it keeps skating the law, somehow. Wednesday is not a spectacular day, but it serves a purpose and therefore can remain on the payroll.
Tuesday is also not the villian of the week. That job falls squarely on the shoulders of Monday. Monday is the day that breaks up with your weekend, probably by text. It pops up uninvited and all too soon, to spoil that split second at the end of the week when you caught up on laundry and allowed yourself to exhale. Monday careens into that relaxing breath like an out of control bread truck. And yes, I chose a bread truck for that analogy because I love carbs and they clearly hate me.
Tuesday is also not Thursday. Thursday is like a mini-Friday. Not because you go out for drinks at the end of it, but because Friday is so close, you can almost touch it. Thursday pulls you through the quicksand and deposits you squarely into Friday's waiting arms.
Friday is a fickle mistress though. She is seductive, with an unmatched allure. But if you are ever going to get stuck at work on a heinous, unforgiving and thankless task, it's going to be on a Friday. Friday giveth and she taketh away. She must be a Gemini.
Saturday and Sunday. What can I say about them that hasn't already been said in a thousand sonnets or at least a couple of teen rom-coms? They are superstars and I have no interest in further puffing up their inflated egos. You don't tell the captain of the football team how handsome he is. You don't need to help feed his already bloated sense of self. If you don't watch closely, Saturday and Sunday will cheat on you with a trip to the emergency room for appendicitis faster than you can say "the copay is how much?!?".
So, allow me to posit yet again...why is Tuesday, even? I think Tuesday is only here to remind us of how bereft of value he is (yes, Tuesday is male because, duh). Tuesday is the day you need to live through, to endure, so that you can get to all the other days.
So I am crashing into Tuesday, reluctantly. With my guard up and ready to fight, because Tuesday is no gentleman and he will hit a lady. Luckily, I have a mean left hook and Tuesday doesn't stand a chance. I'm talking to you Tuesday, when I say (does best Clubber Lang imitation) "No, I don't hate Tuesday. But I pity the fool".
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